And itâ€™s been a long December and thereâ€™s no reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better that the last
I canâ€™t remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
I've started this post 3 times now, and never got far enough to bother saving it. It seems appropriate that I'll finally finish it now that it's actually December. Considering that Nicole's great-grandmother passed away this morning, it's even more appropriate.
In many ways, it feels like the last 12 months have been the darkest part of winter, straight through. And while I hope there's a light coming at the end of this tunnel, I think there's still quite a bit of tunnel to get through. At least, for now, I'm pretty sure it's not a cave though.
This year has been so hard. Losing Aiden is, of course, the hardest part; and that is a part of everything else. We lost my Grandfather. Our extended family has lost two other babies this year as well. Nicole's sister-in-law lost her father last week. There have been other, smaller things as well. Two of my best friends have moved far enough away, that we'll be lucky to see them more than a couple times a year. There's the job.... The move, and finding out this week, that that little saga may be repeating itself.
This isn't to say there's no joy. While two friends moved far away, two other friends moved back. The person who was my social life before I was married is back, and you can't help but be happy around her. Another set of friends took a big step into the future this year when they bought a house, something that I know they've wanted to do, but haven't had the stability to do for a long time. (Didn't hurt any that the team they root for won the World Series a week before they closed too.) And the friends who moved away, finally were able to really start their lives together (even if they did have to do it at the other end of the country).
I found something I wrote a long time ago (when I was in school maybe?):
It has been told
That darkness portrays evil
But darkness is the canvas
That the light paints
Solid, unchanging --
The dark is constant
And light in its color
Is changing -- fleeting
Temporary and passionate
The dark, logical and firm
The light is time
The dark -- space
The light moves -- always
Jumping, scattering, dancing
Keeping all that it touches
Alive and free
The dark holds, embraces
Together they are real
Apart, they do not exist
What's it all mean? I don't know right now. I'm not really at a point where I can assign meaning to things. I'm just letting things flow right now. We'll see what a new year brings.