I've lived in a different world for the last month than I did before. When you think of your life after the birth of your child, you have expectations and ideas how your life will be, and you act accordingly. When Aiden died, all of that changed. My thoughts of "How young is too young to go to a baseball game?" or "How young is too young to do the LATE Ride?" or "I functioned on 4 hours of sleep in college, hopefully I can do it again." are replaced with a void. In many ways my life is the same as before we got preganant, but now, that life that seemed so full, has a gaping emptyness. Into this void flow thoughts about what might have been, what still might be, and what I want from my life as a whole.
When asked what I want to do with my life, my answer is that I want to be a husband and a father. That's what I am. But what I want as a profession or occupation, is something I've never been able to answer. I feel like I need to find the answer. I like my job, but I don't love it and some days it's tough to show up. I like the people I work with too. But it's a job, and doesn't look like it will be a career. The thing is, I'm not sure what I want to do. There are many things I enjoy doing, some of which I do well enough to make some money at, but I feel that I fall into the proverbial "Jack of all Trades, Master of None" category. I don't know... if you're aware of any jobs that require someone with a degree in Theater, 10+ years of Lighting experience, some photography skills, and some web-design experience, please let me know. Thanks.